I stood where I always stood. In the middle. Inside the glass. I could see both sides of the city. Each person, each animal, each building... has two distinct sides. Two seperate personalities. I might have wondered, "Can these two selves see one another?" "Do they know that the other exists?" For when they look in the mirror, they only notice their own image reflected back. But I could not wonder. Nor could I think or imagine, for within this paper thin space there was no room for thought.
To be in the middle is to not have a voice. To not have an image, an identity. To be in the middle is to be invisible. It is a great irony that those who see things most completely will have no voice. Those who understand both sides, must then be content to watch from the sidelines. The theater of life. For once you intervene, you are no longer in the middle. To step out of the middle is to choose a side, and once chosen, to be blind to the other. In choosing a side, you will forget that the other even exists.
The fire escape looms above me, and I leap to grab hold. And I climb. Not because I have decided to. In the middle, I cannot decide. I climb, because I felt like I should climb.
I climb, and the world reverses direction. Cars zoom backwards through intersections, pausing to gather every so often. Doors magically swing open as people back through, then take care to close them by hand. I look on in wonder as a little girl stands sobbing with an empty ice cream cone, then watches two scoops float up onto the cone from off the street, as she transforms into a happy child enjoying a treat.
As I reach the highest fire escape and look down, there is a gathering. Police. Tape. The crowd suddenly disappears, then the scream. That soul-piercing scream. I see both sides, but I feel that there is something that I am not seeing.
As a parked taxi starts backwards, something soars up into the air from underneath. It is a child, flying up into the air. Soaring up, closer and closer. And then catching hold of the fire escape right beside me.
In the middle, I can see both sides of the reflection. I see the child on one side playing and having fun, a little dare-devil delighting in this thrill. On the other side, I see an angry little boy, upset that he must spend the afternoon waiting while his mother visits the department store.
"Wait!" I exclaim. It was too much. Seeing both sides, I could not help myself. Seeing this moment completely, I had to speak up. "Just wait! You will learn to appreciate the waiting, in time. Just, for now, just wait..."
And once I started speaking, I began to think. In this instant, many thoughts hit me all at the same time. I realized that the child had been me. Also, I realized that I had just picked a side, that I had been drawn out of the middle. I further realized that this would be a difficult side to be on, but also the side that needed me the most.
The thoughts stormed through me now with thunderous intensity. "Why must I spend the afternoon waiting at the department store?" "Mommy knows I'm bored, is she trying to punish me?" "Does she care?" "Has she noticed that I'm gone?" "Any minute now she will walk out those doors and see me up here, and she'll be so scared, she'll never take me shopping again!" And with a bolt of electricity, feelings ran through me. Pressure on my fingers and palm, as my hands gripped the metal ladder. A rush of excitement as I look down, my legs dangling so high above the city street below. A dull fire in my arms as they strain to keep hanging on. Sights, sounds, feelings, anger, fear, it was hard to tell where one ended and another began.
Then a voice rang through it all. A single voice, that seemed to come from the window right in front of me. It should not have been noticed through this flood of sensation, but something about the voice cut through it all. This small voice rung with a sincerity and passion that could not be missed. "Wait!" it said. "just wait..." I looked up and there was my reflection in the window. There were my eyes, wild with excitement and emotion. But I saw something else in them, too. A calm, understanding stare. My imagination must be getting the better of me up here. Deep in my reflection, I saw eyes of acceptance.
And suddenly I thought again of my mommy. I saw her rushing around the department store, trying to find her middle child. I felt her hunger. She had bought me lunch, but in her hurry she hadn't realized how hungry she was herself. I felt her fatigue. She hasn't had much sleep these past few nights, and precious little rest has been found while running errands and taking care of three young sons.
With a kick of the legs, I pulled myself up onto the fire escape, and began climbing back down towards the street. As I descended rung by rung, I watched in awe as the city sped forward at lightning speed. traffic zipped by in a blur, people swarmed like a colony of ants hard at work. Days flew by, light turning dark, then light again as I continued my journey down. I watched myself grow taller, felt my muscles grow stronger, with each passing rung.
As I reached the ground, a sound is ringing in my ears. And as the world slows down to a familiar pace, I realize it is a voice. "Hey you! Get down from there!" says the security guard. I apologize, and he gives me an irritated look. "Stay off the fire escapes young man, that's dangerous..." he muttered as he rushed past to raise the fire escape ladder that had been inadvertently left on the ground.
An advertisement stares at me from the sidewalk. As I glance back at the child within, I could swear I saw just a hint of a smile forming on his face, eyes flashing a comforting glance. There is something familiar about the face. I stop. I stare back, but it is just an advertisement. I snap a photo, glance back once more, then continue along.
Walking into the department store in front of me, it's time to go find my mother, who is doing some shopping while visiting the city for the week. Let's go get some food. For some reason, I have a feeling that she is hungry.
+Cats_M.jpg)
_edited.jpg)